Have you seen the London Olympic Logo?

For me, it’s an utter no go

Epilepsy, you see

Runs in my family

And I don’t want to do the horizontal pogo

Oh no, and if you think the logo

Is a mucked-up corrupt pile of rot,

Have you seen the Olympic mascot?

It should have been an animal

Based on the reality

Of living in East London

So why couldn’t the mascot be…


Walter the pigeon,

Flies all over the city shitting,

Is London’s main source of airborne infection,

Has a mouldy bread addiction,

And lots of breaking and entering,

And nesting convictions.



And why couldn’t the mascot be…

Chavvy the rat, a vicious prat

Gnawing his way through sink estates,

Would have an ASBO if folk

Weren’t scared of him and his mates,

He pisses Weil’s disease in the doorways of Hackney,

Has more anger management issues

Than Gordon Ramsey.


And why couldn’t the mascot be…

Scummy the seagull,

Lives on a rubbish tip,

Will mug you for a sandwich

Or your fish and chips, and must be

The only seagull never to see the sea.



Unfortunately the reality

Of the Olympic mascot is going to be…

Wedlock and Mandible


Designed by a committee of imbeciles,

They’re a pair of giant pastel willies,

One-eyed monsters, who will sponsor

Sweatshop sweat bands from global brands,

Baseball caps, consumer tat,

And burger chain misery meals.


Wedlock and Mandible are “good and kind”

Cost a million quid for their design,

Don’t drink smoke or swear, no way!

Eat five portions of fruit and veg a day,

They’re so politically correct that in effect

They take the piss out of what they’re supposed to respect.


Wedlock and Mandible are

As pretty as a Frankenstein botch,

And what’s that on Mandible’s crotch?

They’re inoffensive, ineffectual, unrealistic, simplistic,

With a sinister surveillance theme

Having an all seeing eye like CCTV,

And say everyone in Britain is “Jolly happy!”

Whether they like it or not


Wedlock and Mandible are

As empty as myspace

As flawed as a Liberal Democrats promise

As shallow as a big brother contestant

As sanitised as Glastonbury


Wedlock and Mandible are

As pointless as Eurovision

As overblown as Jordan’s implants

As morally bankrupt as Guantanamo Bay

As representative of the average person in Britain…

…as the characters in Hollyoaks


Just like Mandible and Wedlock

The whole show’s a pile of cock

All I can say with this many dicks

Is fuck the Olympics.

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