Now the dust has settled and the Eurovision has brought full free democracy to Azerbaijan by the medium of a song contest – or not. Here’s my take. So don’t worry if you missed the cheese fest. I’ve summed each of the 26 acts up in a line of verse so you won’t feel left out. And the poem is a lot shorter than the real thing.


Eurovision Entries 2012


Taxidermied crooner

Tick box electro pop

Bjork being tortured

Dire ear diarrhoea

Sad bad ballad

Gimmicky grannies

Vampire wannabees

Euro house cheese

Lame atrocity

Whiny Winehouse

Wiggly eyebrows

Slap dash dance track

Tone deaf banshee

Folk boak oddity

Indie non-entity

Clubbing anthem   (for seals)

Kate Bush fail

Dickens meets The Village People

Low wattage power ballad

Jamie Cullum’s gollum

Dumb boy band shtick

Operatic lunatic

Oh god, its Jedward

Film score bore

House but wishy-washy

Crap jazz cabaret


And we’re asked to ignore the scary Azeris

oppressing dissent – for this excrement.

It’s flash, brash, mish-mash, euro trash, car crash,

Flash, brash, mish-mash, euro trash, car crash,

And if you want to know my score,

It’s nul point for every song,

Nul point for every song,

Except the UK which gets minus one.

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